Twisting the thread of life!

 I am about to take on a risky journey this year. I am putting myself on a financially vulnerable track by cutting back work hours and then quitting my fairly lucrative job in 6 months. I am giving up my personal space to move in with my sister. And I am placing a bet on myself despite my health challenges. For years, I was encouraged to become an NP and for years, I gave excuses. Finally, in 2020, I found my reasons to pursue a master's degree as a nurse practitioner. Being a single mom, single income, working full time, running a household, and going to school took a toll on my mental and physical health. I took a break from school, emphasized by my primary care provider who said I won't be alive to finish the program if I keep pushing at the current rate. As I evaluated my choices and my decisions, I had enough excuses to quit school and continue my life as a full-time employee, working an 8-5 job, investing in Roth IRA and 401K, going on vacations, and keeping up with my domestic duties. 

As much as this plan made logical sense to me, it made me resentful. The thought of living a life of the status quo was unsettling. I also realized that most of my decisions have been passive decisions. After my failed attempt at "love", I lost my decision-making confidence. Since walking away from the trap of a narcissist and his manipulative family, I retreated into a shell of a safe and easy life. I didn't exercise zest and conviction in most aspects of my life. I was merely reacting to life's situations. My decision-making strategy was to avoid making a decision and let the situation play out and then deal with what was coming. This approach only cultivated insecurity and frustration and undermined my own agency. Add childhood war trauma to the mix and I am surprised I (as well as my siblings) am such a high-functioning member of society. 

I am starting to realize my own resilience and potential. This is going to be the start of my active decision making. By no means, I am underestimating the unpredictability of life, nor I am declaring myself to be a control freak. But I will be the one choosing what actions I will take and how I will twist the thread of life. There is no grand scheme or purpose for human existence and the working of this universe. We create meaning for ourselves and purpose for our lives. I will determine the purpose of my existence and the reason for my sufferings. Suffering is inevitable in life. But I will make sure my sufferings are justifiable by the outcomes and adventures that I will choose for myself and to some extent for my daughter. According to Jordan Peterson: "the ultimate life goal is to live a life free of resentment and bitterness, premature aging, and excessive suffering. You don't want to be a burden to everyone around you. What would you have to have to make carrying that weight worthwhile?"

I am armored up. I don't have everything figured out, but I know I can handle whatever is coming my way. I already have at least three different paths planned for how, when, and where of my next 5 years. Inshallah!!! I am getting clear on my values and systems. I know how to simplify most absurdities and surprises of life. I am learning when to surrender and accept and when to negotiate a different path. Happy 2023!!!! 💓