Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Returning home

I am scared to to return home. The home I have with my husband. I am afraid I will expect him to pick up after himself, I will expect him to share in the responsibilities of raising our daughter, and I am afraid that I will be disappointed. I will be mad in return, and then sad, angry, resentful and unhappy. I wonder if he sees me as a lazy wife. One that needs help despite not working. I wonder if he has expectations from me to be like his friends wives, or at least the Facebook version of them: adventurous, active, fit, great party hosts... i wonder if he is dreading my return to home.

I have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. The universe is telling me to be positive, to be in charge of my own happiness. I must remind myself of that. I must lower my expectations, way more! I must remind myself that nothing stays the same. That maybe this is the hard years. I must act the exact same way I want him to act. I must...I will love him despite his flaws, and his short comings. I will love him, period. After all isn't it what I expect from him?
I will remind myself of the times I couldn't wait to be with him and take that feeling and energy and will go sit next to him. I will forgive him for not helping me, for not seeing my exhaustion, my sacrifice, my heartache. I will be positive. I will be grateful. I will keep my anger in check. I will be the one to give and not ask for anything back, at least for now. I will be ok with an imperfect marriage and imperfect life partner. I will remind myself that I am stronger and wiser than to ruin the day by expressing my anger and dissatisfaction. I will watch my tone. I will be non-judgemental. I will be relaxed. I will take a minute to myself. I will do something personal for myself. I will Ignore the dust, the dirt, the flaws and find one thing positive to be grateful about. I will be a different person. I will keep anxiety at bay. I will keep negativity away. I will rejoice in the health of myself and my daughter. I will be patient. I will persevere! 

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