You, Your Mind, Your Life

 I am about to take on a risky journey this year. I am putting myself on a financially vulnerable track by cutting back work hours and then quitting my fairly lucrative job in 6 months. I am giving up my personal space to move in with my sister. And I am placing a bet on myself despite my health challenges. For years, I was encouraged to become an NP and for years, I gave excuses. Finally, in 2020, I found my reasons to pursue a master's degree as a nurse practitioner. Being a single mom, single income, working full time, running a household, and going to school took a toll on my mental and physical health. I took a break from school, emphasized by my primary care provider who said I won't be alive to finish the program if I keep pushing at the current rate. As I evaluated my choices and my decisions, I had enough excuses to quit school and continue my life as a full-time employee, working an 8-5 job, investing in Roth IRA and 401K, going on vacations, and keeping up with my do...

We usually think of life as an alive force with emotions and logic similar to those of us, human beings. Some people talk of life as loving and beautiful and some as vengeful and unforgiving. When we are in the trenches of it, we feel targetted by life. When we are striving, we feel grateful to " life" for being kind to us. But the truth is that Life is Not Alive. It has no emotions and feelings nor logic and common sense. Life is a series of events that happen around us and the forces that influence life are more often than not are beyond our control. We usually attach meaning, value and stories to life based on our own experiences and attitudes. An unpleasant experience will be perceived very differently by two people with different mindsets. The one who has a mindset of struggle will suffer while the one with a mindset of growth will learn from the same unpleasant experience. We hear all around us about how to "just be positive", "worry takes you nowhere, s...

I am tired. Tired of overthinking and ruminating. Tired of regretting my past and planning my future. Tired of searching for meaning and purpose in everything I do and think. Tired of worry and anxiety. Tired of wanting to get it right everytime. Tired of looking for explanation in my and others' actions and behavior. Tired of explaining myself to myself. Tired of analyzing my emotions and processing my thoughts. I surrender. I am not giving up but merely surrendering to life. I surrender to karma, to motions of the universe and to the superior source of energy. I surrender because I realized I am not in control. I accept how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of life. I surrender in order to stop resisting. I surrender in order to open up my heart and my mind to receive. I am willing to receive what universe is offering me. I am open to receive love and life outside my sphere of comprehension. I am allowing fortune to happen to me, paths to open up spontaneously without m...

I was settling into my new home and loving another new beginning. Everything around me was shaping up beautifully. My new job just washed away my financial worries, and I was getting excited about bedside nursing again. I showed up all excited and open to learning for my shift, not knowing what was awaiting me. A monster in the form of my preceptor. She used well-known techniques to belittle, disrespect and bully me. All my energy was sucked out of me within a couple of hours being by her side, and I ended up sobbing in a corner; scared out of my wits. Just hours ago, I was confident and grateful, and now I was lost in the dark alley of despair. I finished my shifts and gathered all my strength not to break down in front of the evil preceptor or quit my job the next day. Soon after, I realized I was attacked by a narcissist. It was unsettling for me to accept that again, a narcissist can strip me of my confidence and annihilate me so quickly. I was angry, ashamed and very dishearte...

Life has been kind and kindly crazy towards me in the last 4 months. I think all the chaos is catching up with me. I am getting on the edge again. My body is screaming again, from weight gain, irregular period and stubborn acne to mood swings, sleep disturbance, and brain fog. Yes, I know some tips and tricks. But now is not the time to preach or point fingers. There is no judgment in healing, and that is what I need, healing. Counting my blessings: I am not displaying self-destructive behavior, I am staying financially sane and trying to keep hope alive. Yet I am feeling misplaced, at the mercy of chance, short of breath and running out of patience. I need a day or two or half day to myself. I can afford the time but don't know what to do. My physical symptoms are overwhelming, and I know it will take me months to recover from it all. I don't have the energy for it this time.

I am in the middle of selling the current house and moving to an apartment ordeal. The task of simplifying and downsizing is physically and emotionally hard. What to keep and what to toss away? Two tall bookshelves, two benches with storage spaces, two huge drawers of the dresser plus some shelves in the loft were packed with books, folders, notebooks, and papers. I couldn't decide what to keep and what to let go. What if I need those notebooks? I can certainly use those new binder folders with colorful separators and divider tabs in the future. I love books and I have handpicked all of my books. Eventually, I will make the time to reach each one of them. These were all the STUFF that I had accumulated, stored, organized and looked at for over 5 years. I read about 35% of my books, barely needed those folders and papers and notebooks. But still, I didn't want to give them up.  I was facing my STUFF as I was meditating when it dawned on me. How much energy have I spent over ...

December and January were difficult months for me. My depression took over and made me miserable. Its physical manifestations were server neck and shoulder pain. Thanks to my amazing Chiropractor, DO and therapist, I am back on track. For the most part. Here are some points I've learned that I would like to share: A chiropractor visit is more beneficial than massage sessions when you are suffering from chronic pain.  If you MD is reluctant, go to a DO. Have your copper and histamine levels tested! Imbalance of those chemicals can cause chaos in your mind and body.  Seeing a therapist is invaluable in assessment and development of proper coping skills.  Allow yourself to feel.  Keep a healthy diet. Fried food, junk food, and cookies don't fix anything.  You can say No to taxing demands and expectations.  It is ok to be depressed, cry and stay in bed for a little while. But don't make that your new routine.  Meditation can do wonders.  ...

The beginning of every month is an exciting time. We are one month older, a few ounces heavier (or lighter), (hopefully) a little wiser, and (you can fill in the blank------------).  Start of every month can be an edit, refresh and restart time. We can: archive and possibly delete unpleasant memories,  print happy memories,  restock our fridge and pantry,  clean our living spaces (I mean detail cleaning),  declutter our closet and cabinets (donate, recycle and repurpose all those unused items taking space), send out some cards and notes (in the age of social media, print communication is even more rewarding), review our budget (maybe ask ourselves do I really need to dine out that often or help out amazon's sales every month), weigh ourselves (you can decide what to do after seeing that number on the scale), start a new healthy habit (can be anything from portion control, meditation, taking supplements, washing your face every night, burning a s...

How many women have neck and shoulder pain, headaches and preventable injuries related to their bags (handbag, shoulder bag, purses of different styles and sizes.) How did we get here? Do we have to stay here? Do we really need the bag? History of women's handbag is fascinating. It started as a pouch attached at the waistline, then a wristlet and now to almost a piece of luggage on our shoulders. It truly was inspired by the carry on handbags carried by travelers. We adopted a piece of luggage as part of our daily fashion. But does it have to be so inconvenient, inflict physical pain and cost so much? So ladies check your bag or purse. Assess if you really have to carry all the items you carry in your purse or handbag around all the time. Start with your wallet. Do you need to have your collection of department store credit cards with you every day? Do you need two different kinds of hand sanitizers, lipsticks, nail clipper, electronic devices, notepad, diary, checkbook (if you ...

Gender equality. Philosophy, religion, science, and history have been trying to define and implore gender equality with minimum success. Why is it called a Man's world when in reality they wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for women? Why is the balancing act targeted at women? Why do women have to balance career, family and much more? Who gave men the pass to not deal with the same conflicts as women? Why don't TV shows and magazine articles dispense advice for men on how to win over women and please their partners in bed better? I am not even going to bring the superficial issue of youth and how and why women need to keep young appearance. That's a separate discussion. Why do women sit around telling other women how to please their husbands while taking care of their children and owning a professional career? Why don't they advise men on how to participate in house chores with their wives and how to behave with their female coworkers? We have been telling ...

"Don't talk to me before my coffee!" "I am not a morning person." "I am a night owl." I am most productive at 3pm." What is your preference? Are you a morning person or evening person, and what do you mean by that? Being sluggish in the morning can have different reasons, like poor sleep hygiene, low blood sugar, unhealthy diet etc. Running out of energy by the evening shares some of the same reasons like poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, stress and idleness. There is plenty of online advise for you to choose from to improve your energy level and mood. What I would like to reflect on here is morning vs. evening. I am a morning person in the sense that I wake up early. But instead of spending beautiful morning hours stuck in traffic or listening to the news or anything else, I would like to sit and watch the color of the sky change, listen to the sound of life getting louder gradually, and join the stillness there is in the morning hours. I would l...

I had lived my early years of life under an oppressive regime, in a state of constant unknown, and hopeless future. As a girl, I couldn't dream to be independent and have an individual identity. I had to be someone's daughter, sister, wife or mother. My parents were torn between keeping us safe and giving us hope. I sometimes took refuge in my imaginations, where I was placed in a very different society where I could be my own person. One of these imaginary paths were running away to a foreign land with a male companion who would protect me and also allow me to become my own person, my knight in shinning armor. When I finally did come to the land of opportunity and freedom, I was overwhelmed. I wanted to do so many things with very limited capabilities. My imaginations had fooled my mind and my expectations by tricking my mind to believe that I was capable of more that I actually could do. I had a major gap between my new reality and my unrealistic expectations. Thus began my...

"Winners never quit and quitters never win." Like "think positively" this statement is a scam. Don't believe it, don't make it your motto. You will save yourself a lot of heartache, time, effort and even money by quitting the cumbersome pursuit, the wrong person, the forced relationship, the impractical dream. We sometimes think of our energy and time as an infinite resource, a well that never dries. WRONG!!!! Once we realize this, we will value our personal resources dearly and will dedicate them to meaningful purposes. If getting that perfect body is an unmanageable goal and brings you so much guilt and shame, it is time to quit. Don't quit on your health, instead quit on the unreasonable goal that doesn't fit your priorities and lifestyle. Redefine your goal; maybe you can't be size 2, but you need to work out to keep endorphin circulating in your system, to keep pain away and your blood sugar steady. Escalation of commitment is what keeps...

You read all kinds of quotes about "denial" and how it is bad for you. I agree. One way denial can hurt you is it brings you closer to failure. When you deny your own responsibility in your mistakes, you fail to learn the lesson. When you deny you made a mistake in the first place, you deny yourself growth and change. When you deny you need to change, you are getting ready to settle in a hole and wait for misery to be dumped on you. Denial has its perks which makes it very popular with lazy people. When you deny, you are putting the blame on someone else and so you win the blame game. When you deny, you don't have to change or do anything different and that makes life easier. Oh the luxury to have to no accountability and responsibility towards yourself and others is so precious. Sometimes, we go the extra mile to obtain that luxury. Imagine how privileged it sounds when we issue the verdict that someone else was at fault and now has to pay the price and acquit oursel...

I was listening to a book in my car today and one sentence really captured my attention. "set limit to your worry and once you have reached that limit, stop worrying about that one thing." It is like budgeting. We set a limit on how much money we will spend on groceries, clothing, and dining out. We budget our time by limiting how much TV we watch and browse social media sites (hopefully we are doing so). So why not set limit on our worrying habit. We often worry ourselves crazy paranoid about the past or the future. We use our energy as if it is an infinite source. We pick our favorite worry and spend countless hours ruminating over it, creating worst case scenarios, predicting reactions and misfortunes and get paranoid about it. If this process is interrupted by sleep, work and other daily obligations, we pick up where we have left off and carry on as soon as we get the chance. So here is a tip on how to cap your worry, decide how much time you will invest in worrying ab...

What is your lifestyle? Life is full of colors, themes, struggles, options, paths and outcomes. As a human being, we have so many needs and we have options for each. We need to eat, dress, have a shelter or residence, interact, learn and explore, have purpose, define our direction, exist in harmony, have individual identity etc. We have many roles to fill, many expectations to meet, many choices to make on a daily basis. It is not all hard since we are designed to accomplish all this at some point in our lives. But, most of us struggle; we struggle mentally, ethically, physically to meet the challenge because there is conflict. There is conflict between choices and decision, desires and potentials, and our greed to maximize our benefit with every decision we make and our potentials. Everyone wants to outsmart life, to maximize their profits and minimize their efforts and sufferings. Era of social media has been having contradicting influence on the outcome of our de...

I am scared to to return home. The home I have with my husband. I am afraid I will expect him to pick up after himself, I will expect him to share in the responsibilities of raising our daughter, and I am afraid that I will be disappointed. I will be mad in return, and then sad, angry, resentful and unhappy. I wonder if he sees me as a lazy wife. One that needs help despite not working. I wonder if he has expectations from me to be like his friends wives, or at least the Facebook version of them: adventurous, active, fit, great party hosts... i wonder if he is dreading my return to home. I have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. The universe is telling me to be positive, to be in charge of my own happiness. I must remind myself of that. I must lower my expectations, way more! I must remind myself that nothing stays the same. That maybe this is the hard years. I must act the exact same way I want him to act. I must...I will love him despite his flaws, and his short com...

I am lucky that I am not a perfectionist, but I was attempting to be one inconsistently. As a mother, I used to stress about being the perfect mother by focusing on minor daily mishaps. My on and off and often failed attempts at "fixing" every little aspect of my and my daughter's life was keeping me in a constant state of anxiety. In my career, I used to drain all my energy by giving 150% on the job and emotionally getting involved in my patients' issues. Then I came across this idea " connection vs perfection". It feels as if I found the missing link in my search for a more practical and peaceful life. This idea shifted my perspective and relieved me from unnecessary stress and anxiety. Now I give 100% on the job. I am still compassionate and caring while acknowledging my limitations. My patients love me and I love helping them as much as possible. I have realized that connecting with my patients and establishing trusting relationship with them is more e...

Do I reflect enough? Do I reflect more than I should? Is it beneficial to reflect? How are the contents of my reflections improving over time? Am I progressing or regressing? Can I do something better with my time than reflection? But I love reflecting on my thoughts, emotions and actions. I make steady progress if only I took my self discoveries seriously. I come up with certain revelations about myself and then I forget about them. Even though I forget them, they leave me changed a little bit. Therefore, I make slow progress. My initial questions still stand unanswered. There are many many articles and books on reflection and its benefits. It is a skill like many others, yoga, guitar playing, running etc. It requires proper technique and consistency of practice to master it, to apply it appropriately. Otherwise, it can turn into a session of worry and regrets. Some times, I take a detour down those lanes. But more often, I enjoy my reflections. Now I need a way to log my reflections...

I have been pressing my younger sister to blog about her life experiences since she has been living such a diverse and interesting life. I have the same intentions though my life is less diverse than hers. The recent thought about writing n sharing our life stories is how it will be perceived. I was talking to few of my co-workers last night and started telling about some experiences of mine as a teenager in Pakistan. They looked amused. They kept asking questions which reassured me they are actively listening and want to know more. I often try to listen to myself as I speak, my attempt in improving myself. The images of my memories kept playing in my head as I listened to myself talking about them while trying to stay present at the ICU nurse station and also listen to the monitor alarms of patients. Then I started to switch place with my friends/audience and listen to my stories. That's when I questioned the reality of my experiences. I started wondering if my experiences sound...